Are Men's Junk Sexy?

By: Marcelo Báez

Last week, American fashion designer Rick Owens managed to titillate the Internetz with three barely visible floppy wieners. Were those johns made out of diamond-encrusted precious metals? Or were they smartpenises with extra RAM? (Pun intended). Naw, dude. Just average male-model dicks—and, again, they were mostly kept under the hood [insert circumcision joke here].

So what’s the big deal? The double standard, obviously. Designers won’t think twice about parading fully naked women down the runway, but a pinga? Shut your face! Apparently our gnarly, dangly, worm-like genitals have no place in high fashion. Odd, right? Especially because the fashion world is essentially run by gay men and women.

When prodded for an explanation, Rick Owens had a sensible answer:

“I pass classical marble statues of nude and draped figures in the park every day, and they are a vision of sensuality—yes, but also of grace and freedom. As a participant in one of our most progressive aesthetic arenas, am I not allowed to use this imagery? Is it only appropriate for a Michael Fassbender movie?”

But, I dunno, maybe dicks really are ugly. Or from a fashion designer’s point of view, hard to knit and sew for? Because even William Levy, Latin America’s Fabio or sorts, looks silly in “sexy” underwear (NSFW). We could argue that, thanks to largely conservative Western values, our society has been deeply conditioned to be shocked and repulsed by male genitalia. Can the effects be reverted? Some edgy, image-positive gays have been trying for a while, but the fashion world doesn’t really care about gender politics—unless, of course, you’re like, ridiculously pretty.

But back to the issue at hand: can our junk be made to look beautiful? To be honest, even those Rick Owens penis-inclusive outfits aren’t that great. (To his credit, the rest of that collection is actually decent.) Maybe our downtown buddy has too much baggage [insert testicle joke here] to ever be considered pretty. But can you blame him? His closest neighbor is an asshole.

Can somebody please get Anna Wintour on the phone so she can solve this conundrum directly? Or should we go to Lagerfeld? Years ago Galliano told GQ: “My craft with menswear, I suppose, is working with proportion; enhancing a man’s good bits but also hiding a multitude of sins.”

Maybe we should go to John instead.

LOGISTICS: Rick Owens’s clothes can be seenhere

Marcelo Baéz is a writer, DJ, and musician based in NYC. When he's not producing "Rico Suave" parties, he releases music under P3CULIAR.